rubdown:

I LOVE so much, and by LOVE I mean IT SHREDS MY INSIDES LIKE A GRATER TO A HEAD OF CABBAGE AND MAKES A SLAW OF ME, THEN DRESSES THE SLAW WITH MY OWN TEARS AND SERVES IT TO ME. A brief aside: this happened during 1D DAY, you know, the day where we all sat in front of our various screens for 8 hours and watched a damn mess, and it was before “Talk Dirty” was a huge hit, and now when I think about One Direction listening to this song and singing along to it, I SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY. “SOLD OUT ARENAS YOU CAN SUCK MY PENIS”? ONE DIRECTION, NO. UR ALL BABIES. U DON’T HAVE PENISES, YOU HAVE WEEWEES. BUT ALSO, SURE. I’LL THINK ABOUT IT. Anyway, effortlessly sensuous Niall Horan is krumping away for the camera in his ADIDAS track suit to the sultry horns of “Talk Dirty” by JASON DESRULO, NEE JASON DESROULEAUX FEAT. 2 CHAINZ. In the background, nude toddler Harry “Dumps Like A Truck” Styles picks up a giant roll of paper and starts waving it about, we all presume to be like a snake, though he is doing a poor job of it. It’s like, nice effort, but is that all you got? Out of the corner of his eye, Krumpmaster Horan spots Harry’s attempt at interpretive prop dance. He stops and absorbs what Harry is doing. Harry shoots lasers out of his eyes directly into Niall’s to try to explain, but there is no need. It makes him a second, but he gets it. HE GETS IT. IT’S A SNAKE. A BIG SNAKE. AND HE JOINS IN WHATEVER HARRY IS DOING. HARRY DOES NOT ASK, NOR DOES HE HAVE TO. NIALL IS WITH HARRY ALL THE WAY. CHARADES. FAMILY GAME NIGHT. PENIS SUCKING. IT’S ALL THERE. I’M SLAW.