Tag: lolz forever

rubdown:

GOOD EVENING, children, and a very MERRY NUGGETMAS to you all! What’s that? You don’t know what “the hell” NUGGETMAS is? Well, gather round, honey, cuz daddy will tell you.

MANY SLEEPS AGO, in a mystikal place called NEW ZEALAND, otherwise known as EARTH’S HOBBIT HOLE, a spritely young man with an ass that jiggled like a bowl full of jelly cuz jam don’t shake, ASCENDED into the heavens. LOUIS TOMLINSON sat atop his ROYAL BALCONY and looked at us, his loyal , frothing SUBJECTS and felt in his tender heart that he must somehow TOUCH US in our own shriveled excuses for blood-pumpers. But of course, we know now that it would be impossible for LOUIS TOMLINSON to come down to the ground and speak directly to us, for the sound of his voice would shatter us into millions of sprinkles, or we would be overcome by our complete adoration of him that we would tear him limb from limb until he was also millions of sprinkles. It would be dangerous to be close, for us and for him.

AND SO, LOUIS TOMLINSON, AKA CHICK NUGGLE, AKA CHICKENTA NAUS, AKA OLD SAINT CHICK, AKA FATHER NUGGETMAS, reached into his magical sack. Like all the way in there, like his full arm. He was elbow deep in that sack, SO IT IS SAID. He wrapped his tiny, furious fists around HANDFULS of DELICIOUS NUGGETS, and he TOSSED THEM over his the railing of his HEAVENLY BALCONY. LOUIS TOMLINSON gave of his only NUGGETS so that we may LIVE.

It is unclear whether or not people hated the first NUGGETMAS or if they loved it. What is known is that now NUGGETMAS is celebrated each year by millions across the globe. EVERY YEAR on NUGGETMAS, NUGGETS rain from the heavens as if from the HANDS of LOUIS TOMLINSON himself. We all open our PALMS to the sky, tilt our HEADS back, stick out our TONGUES, and wait for NUGGETS to fill our BODIES and SPIRITS. A chicken nugget may catch in your EYELASH and you will NEVER feel more LOVELY and FREE. You may gather the NUGGETS into a NUGGETBALL and have a spirited NUGGETBALL FIGHT with your TROUBLEMAKER FRIENDS who have only given you more CONFIDENCE to be YOURSELF. BUILD a SLED out of WHATEVER BALCONY YOU CAN FIND and SLIDE down a NUGGET HILL, NUGGETS spraying in your face on the BITTERSWEET WIND. Join FAMILY, FRIENDS, CHOSEN FAMILY, or NO ONE in decorating the NUGGETMAS NUGGET with NUGGETS. BUILD a NUGGETMAN out of the dirty, damaged nuggets dusting the ground. GIVE the NUGGETMAN a CHICHI pipe and a NUNU nose and TWO EYES MADE OUT OF NUGGETS. Legend has it that if you place a HALF-EATEN BURGER that has been SMASHED on top of a CAR atop the head of your NUGGETMAN, he will come to life. GATHER ROUND the BALCONY and toss NUGGETS from it while singing NUGGET CAROLS, like CLASSICS such as “TOSS THE NUGGETS”:

THROW THE NUGGETS OFF THE BALCONY
NANANANANA-NA-NA-NA-NA
‘TIS THE CHICHI TO BE NUNU
NANANANANA-NA-NA-NA-NA
TOSS WE NOW OUR CHICKEN NUGGETS
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA

Or a rousing rendition of “NUGGETMAS WONDERLAND”:

AT THE PEOPLE WE CAN TOSS SOME NUGGETS
AND EAT THEM UP WHEN THEY HIT THE GROUND
WE’LL BEG LOUIS TO DUMP THEM DOWN IN BUCKETS
CHICKEN NUGGETS CHICKEN NUGGETS CHICKEN NUGGETS

Now, there are SOME out there who have lost the NUGGETMAS SPIRIT. They say NUGGETMAS is nothing but a commercial holiday to rally behind a FALSE IDOL and to get us to go out and buy 62 INCH NUGGETS or NUGGET PHONES or DIAMOND NUGGETS. SOME PEOPLE even say that LOUIS TOMLINSON is not real because there are MALL LOUIS TOMLINSONS with FAKE MULLETS and NO ASSES going around half-heartedly sprinkling nuggets on the floor. Now, it’s true: LOUIS TOMLINSON cannot be everywhere at once, so sometimes he has to use HELPERS. But he sees you, and he knows you, and he is all real.

NUGGETMAS, much like the pointy-toothed, bemulleted lost boy who founded it, is about being SPONTANEOUS. It is about CREATING MISCHIEF. And most importantly, it is about SHOWING PEOPLE that you CARE ABOUT THEM in CREATIVE WAYS. NUGGETMAS is about being LOVED and LOVING in return. So get out there, buy some CHICKEN NUGGETS, and pelt someone you care about with them until they collect the nuggets in a tupperware container and keep them forever. CHERISH this holiday season with all your heart and your entire butt.

HAIL LOUIS FULL OF NUGGETS. BLESSED ART THOU AMONGST NUGGETS, AND BLESSED ARE THE NUGGETS OF THY WOMB. AMEN.