Anyway, so like you come home and your ex is there.
You changed the locks on the doors like months ago, so he’s waiting out back by the pool like “…”
the first thing you say is “You’re not coming in.” And then you’re like “Jesus, Colin where are your shoes?”
You agree to ‘talk’ with him but he’s not coming in your fucking house ever again because gross so you go with him to a local diner where you used to get post-fuck pancakes so it’s all very emotional and sentimental
Until you tell him you like his new ‘stache and then add “So are you like, headlining with the Badseeds this weekend or what?”
…which he’s not amused about. Anyway, all he wanted was his leather jacket (which you already gave to Goodwill), a copy of your kids’ birth certificates (probably for nothing good) and to say “I still think about you all the time. Anyway, you should call my mom, she wants to take the kids on the 4th.”
He leaves you with the check and when you get home you realize he somehow got into the garage while you were at work and took your fucking lawnmower and the new windshield sunshade you bought for your car.
326 Miles 