arcticmonkeysus:

In an upcoming NME interview, the Arctic Monkeys frontman reveals that work is already underway for his next solo project, currently slotted for a November debut.

The Cornerstone crooner’s latest will feature as part of the increasingly popular Movember project, the cultural phenomenon which has made international waves in recent years, galvanizing thousands of men to raise money for cancer research charities by growing facial hair.

Even with his nearly 10-month head start, though, Sheffield’s favorite son is steadfast in his refusal to entertain any delusions of grandeur regarding praise or accolades.

Asked whether he expects some grand payoff to result from what will amount to nearly a year’s worth of hard work, Turner pauses to consider the question before retreating into one of his trademark awkward silences.

Momentarily relapsing to the mistrusting teenage insecurity that made him famous, Turner responds with a blithe “Anticipation has a habit to set you up for disappointment in mustache cultivation,” almost scathing in his dry indifference.

Despite coyly insisting that “[Movember] is a game I’m gonna lose,” the notoriously baby-faced Turner remains cautiously optimistic.

Appending his prediction in that famously stunted, shy Northern drawl which is uniquely his own, Turner admits “…but I wanna play it just in case.”

For their part, Turner’s bandmates seem less than supportive. Prompted for comment on their lead man’s prospects for success in the facial hair arena, the Monkeys respond with what can most kindly be described as “bemused incredulity.” Press any one of them for further comment, though, and soon enough there is simply no denying that the boys are openly mocking their childhood friend, often cruelly so.

“It isn’t fair to say Al can’t grow a beard… at least in legal terms. There’s no British law denying him the right to a mustache.” said drummer Matt Helders. “But the laws of nature have expressly forbidden it, unfortunately.”

“Have we ever actually seen the man have a shave, boys? Can’t say I have,” Helders continued. “But to be fair, it’d be a bit pointless. Real waste of time, like.”

Determined to snuff out every last remnant of Alex Turner’s dignity, bassist Nick O’Malley offers a devastating revelation: “The truth – and I probably shouldn’t say this – is that Al technically doesn’t even have to shave. His face only gets those white little whispy bits of fine fur, like you see on a peach.” O’Malley stops himself short, visibly aware that he’s revealed more than he should have. His eyes lock on those of guitarist Jamie Cook, silently beseeching him for support.

“Ehhhhhh,” Cook offers, plainly in the throes of social discomfort so crippling that it renders him speechless. A few torturous seconds of awkward silence pass before O’Malley mercifully steps in for his stammering bandmate.

“So, erm, I guess the point is that Al really doesn’t need to shave. He’s got one of them face scrubbers, you know, like what girls have for washin off their make-up?” O’Malley presses on, oblivious to the shame now written all over Helders’ face.

“If he gives it a good scrub, all them little hairs slip right out.”

“That’s technically just exfoliation,” Helders clarifies, having regained his composure. “He’s setting himself up for embarrassment, I reckon. But it’s not our place to discourage him, since, you know… charity.”

O’Malley grins, nodding with childlike enthusiasm.

“Charity.”

It took four years, but he did it!